大家还记得。我上次发的一篇作文吗？就从单词来说，至少雅思写作8分，但是写的太晦涩难懂了，结果老师就给了4分，这次我让他改变写作思路，写的小清新点，同一个老师直接给了7分！ 干什么事情，还不能总想着装逼，不然弄巧成拙！

Nowadays, more and more companies are allowing employees to work at home because of the development of Internet technology. Do you think this is a positive or negative development for employers and individuals?

The employment use of internet technology has given rise to such inclination that a trend wherein an increasing wholesome number of employees are permitted do to work at from home. Generally, it is a double-edged sword, whose merits could be maximized via proper management.
The benefits of working at home could be enjoyed by both employers and the employees.
↑Initially, this trend could save employers loads of administration and management investment costs. Especially for the preliminary up-and-coming entrepreneurs, whose budget is usually limited, this new working style guarantees the cash flow savings and work efficiency simultaneously.
Also, conference attendees would never be tardy any more. In other words, online meetings via skype is are absolutely identical with virtual conferences, and it is ubiquitous for coworkers to be connected via Whatsapp or email, even if they are encountered with a traffic jam.
Without any hesitation, employees working in a metropolis like shanghai and or Tokyo would embrace this trend. Dramatically, Tears would well up in their eyes when they do not have to take the subway in during rush hour. Statistically On average, Commuting averagely deprives metropolis employees of urban workers 3 hours of sleep time every day. And this vaporized leisure time have has imposed serious health detriments on these city dwellers. So the implementing of soho(Small Office/Home Office) working style would phenomenally improve their health.
While there is no denying that perfection is far from possible. There is also certain friction in the implementationing of this working style. For instance, some African countries would developing nations might find it impossible to have employees work at home given that the internet is not yet accessible at all in many regions.
Generally speaking, this trend would breed both benefits and drawbacks. Yet as is presented the merits phenomenally outweigh its demerits. And the next score of years would possibly see the widespread implementation of its this new working style.


Task Response: 8
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
Lexical Resource: 6.5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.5
Average Score: 7

Comments & Suggestions:
1. Good job with this task! The language is clear for the most part, and there is a distinct tone to your writing. You are also able to incorporate big words, which shows that you already have a good command of the English language. I also appreciate the fact that you mixed things up, and you had the nerve to inject humor in your essay, too. It works well, I must say.
2. However, as you might have already noticed, some of my edits above altered your choice of words. In these instances, words/phrases were used out of context, or had unclear meaning. When the meaning of your statement is being compromised, it's better to use simpler language than risk using complex statements riddled with errors.
3. It would be in your best interest to read more books, magazines or articles written by professional writers. This way, you can familiarize yourself with how certain words and phrases should be used, that is, in their proper context. As far as writing style goes, however, I believe you've already nailed a particular tone and style. Continue to cultivate it by improving your grammar and increasing your vocabulary, and you'll be a very effective communicator.

Good Luck!
~T. Nico~


Edited Version:

The use of internet technology has given rise to such a trend wherein an increasing number of employees are permitted to work from home. Generally, it is a double-edged sword, whose merits could be maximized via proper management.
The benefits of working at home could be enjoyed by both employers and employees. Initially, this trend could save employers loads of administration and management costs. Especially for up-and-coming entrepreneurs, whose budget is usually limited, this new working style guarantees savings and work efficiency simultaneously.
Also, conference attendees would never be tardy any more. Online meetings via Skype are absolutely identical with virtual conferences, and it is ubiquitous for coworkers to be connected via Whatsapp or email, even if they are encountered with a traffic jam.
Without any hesitation, employees working in a metropolis like Shanghai or Tokyo would embrace this trend. Dramatically, tears would well up in their eyes when they do not have to take the subway during rush hour. On average, commuting deprives urban workers 3 hours of sleep time every day. And this vaporized leisure time has imposed serious health detriments on these city dwellers. So the implementing of SOHO(Small Office/Home Office) working style would phenomenally improve their health.
There is no denying that perfection is far from possible. There is also certain friction in the implementation of this working style. For instance, some developing nations might find it impossible to have employees work at home given that the Internet is not yet accessible in many regions.
Generally speaking, this trend would breed both benefits and drawbacks. Yet as is presented the merits phenomenally outweigh its demerits. The next score of years would possibly see the widespread implementation of this new working style.